In our previous article “How to move through shame as an adult survivor of CSA”, we addressed how and why shame might show up for you after your childhood experiences.
We also introduced Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory (SRT) (Brown, 2007) as a practical framework for working through that potentially difficult and painful emotion.
Brown’s SRT identifies four elements of shame resilience:
- Recognise your personal shame patterns and triggers
- Practice awareness of shame’s origin
- Speak about your shame experiences
- Reach out to trusted people to do so
This article will be a deeper dive into how to practically apply these different elements in your life.
Let’s work through each element of your shame toolkit in turn.
Element 1: Recognise your personal shame patterns and triggers
Your body and self-talk may react to shame before your mind has processed it as such.
Here are some of the tell-tale signs…
The Physical response to shame
Common physical shame signals to look out for are:
- A tightening chest
- Blushing, flushing and sweating
- A dropping/ sinking stomach
- A slumping and tension in the shoulders
- Averting your gaze and dropping your head
- Foggy, confused thinking and a difficulty finding your words
- A sense of energy rushing out of the body
- A desire to curl up, shrink, disappear
- A feeling of a spotlight on you
- A sudden urge to flee
Shameful self-talk
Your self-talk can be a shame signal, too. Watch out for:
- Should statements – “I should have known better”
- “I am wrong”
- “I am broken”
- “I am unlovable”
- “I am not good enough”
- “I am bad”
- “I am a mistake”
A trigger map
Remember, both these types of signals are likely to show up in some of Brown’s 12 shame categories (Brown, 2007).
Which ones are most likely to trigger a shame response in you?
ReachLink suggests thinking of these as your personal trigger map.
When you find your body and self-talk changing in response to a trigger map category, you can reach for the resilience tools in this method before shame takes hold.
Thinking clearly through shame
In the moment, a practical tool to calm your nervous system is to change your posture.
The next time you feel shame-triggered, Brouillette recommends reminding yourself to straighten your spine, open your chest outward, take deep breaths, look around you, and imagine your body being more expansive.
Element 2: Practice awareness of shame’s origin
This element is about recognising how life’s messaging can create shame in you that is not valid or useful.
External messaging
Drawing on Al-Hurraya’s insight, a charity that provides culturally specific support for diverse communities, you might have experienced:
- Your family or religion teaching that sex before marriage was wrong, so you feel you’ve brought any difficulties in life “on yourself.”
- Your culture dictating that sex should be hidden to avoid family dishonour or judgment, so you feel you must hide your weakness and mistakes too.
- Society making you feel that young women who engage in sexual activity are “loose”, leaving you worried about what others think of you
- The beauty industry instilling in you that the prettier you are, the better your life will be, leaving you chasing a good life through an impossible standard
These did not come from you and are not serving you.
Changing the narrative
We can’t control the message that’s delivered, but we can reinterpret it however we choose.
Try these reframes instead:
- Intimacy is a birthright: it is to be enjoyed with your consent alone in a context of your choosing.
- Making mistakes is universal: we all make them, but facing them and learning from them will strengthen you.
- Survival is admirable: Living through and beyond your past experiences reflects honourably on you and those who raised you.
- All humanity is beautiful: Your proximity to a beauty standard does not indicate the life you deserve.
As ReachLink says, when you understand the external forces shaping your internal experience, you can separate what’s truly yours to work on from what’s not.
Element 3: Speak shame
So, you’ve recognised you’re in shame, you know what to let go, but the feeling lingers.
This is because humans are social beings who, as Anna Mathur notes, process best by talking things through (Mathur, 2021, p.139).
In other words, you still need to “speak shame”.
Why should I talk about it?
Putting shame into words helps separate your identity from the emotion.
Instead of viewing yourself as fundamentally flawed, you simply see a situation that needs repair.
What should I say?
Speaking shame doesn’t require perfect words, just honest ones (ReachLink, 2026).
Even so, it can be hard to find the words when shame hits.
Finding the words
Inspired by ReachLink, these examples are starting points for speaking shame:
- On setbacks: “I’m feeling a lot of shame about X. I’m trying to remember that doesn’t mean I’m a failure – just a human who cares about doing X well.”
- On rejection: “After being rejected, I feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I’m trying to remind myself that this just wasn’t the right fit for me.”
- On overwhelm: “I need to talk about something I’ve been avoiding. I need help, but I feel like I’ve let people down, and I haven’t been the partner/ friend/colleague I want to be.
Note: the examples address the gap between your values and your actions, making space for self-compassion – the ultimate antidote to shame’s power.
The key is acknowledging the feeling, the facts, and the value you feel outside of, without overly self-blaming or deflecting with humour.
Element 4: Speak shame to the right person
As Jeremy Sutton, founder of FlourishingMinds, explains, it is through connection to others that we feel valued, affirmed, and accepted.
Yet we will only feel this if the person we share with is fully engaged, present, and responds with empathy (Brown, 2007).
Empathy in action
Examples of truly empathetic responses are:
- “It’s ok”
- “I get it”
- “I’ve felt the same way”
- “What you’re feeling is normal”
- “I understand what you are going through.” (Sutton, 2017)
But reaching out doesn’t mean broadcasting your shame to anyone and everyone.
Shame-safe people
The right people to confide in are what ReachLink calls “shame-safe” people – those in your life who have earned the right to hear your pain.
These people must:
- Have earned your trust over time through consistent reliability.
- Have no history of harshly judging similar struggles.
- Strictly keep confidences and private information you’ve shared.
Red flags
You’ll know if your confidant is shame-safe by their responses.
Don’t share with someone again if they overly:
- Minimise: “It’s not that bad” dismisses the feeling without addressing it.
- Compare: “At least you’re not…” creates a hierarchy of suffering that doesn’t help.
- Blame-shift: “Well, if they hadn’t…” prevents you from owning your part while staying compassionate with yourself.
- Toxify with positivity: “Just think positive!” bypasses the actual emotion with which you’re asking for help.
- Rush to fix or problem-solve: “You just need to…” can feel like they’re pointing out a failing in you
(All modified from ReachLink).
In short, only share with someone who has a proven capacity for empathy.
Otherwise, they might reinforce the shame and leave you feeling worse.
Some friendly advice
You are not aiming for perfection here.
Sometimes you’ll catch the spiral midway, not at the beginning. Maybe you’ll reach out hours or days later instead of right away. (ReachLink)
Perhaps you’ll share with someone who isn’t able to help you.
But the important thing is that you’ll eventually interrupt the shame spiral.
Remember, each time you recognise shame, speak it, and connect despite it, you strengthen your shame resilience (ReachLink).
Always remember
As Giselle Pelicot, a renowned sexual abuse survivor, reminds us: shame must change sides to where it rightfully belongs – away from survivors.
Why should you live trying to atone for, deny, or hide something that is not yours to carry? (Mathur, 2021, p. 137)
We at Quetzal hope this article helps you set down that load and, in so doing, opens you up to the proven, measurable mental health benefits of Shame Resilience Theory (Alvarez).
Freelance Copywriter for Quetzal
